The Top Ten Rap Songs White People Love

And I mean fucking LOVE. When these songs come on, White People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.

Having studied White People for 27 years, my authority on the topic is absolute; this list is damn near bullet proof.

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#	Artist	Song	Description
1.	Sir Mix-A-Lot	Baby Got Back	Go to a karaoke bar - get the song list - check the rap section - if there’s only one song, this is the song - every fucking time, this is the song. This, like a number of the other rap songs White People love, features prominently sexual themes addressed in a humorous fashion. I think it’s White People’s inherent prudish squareness that makes them get all giddy about "naughty" rapper songs.
2.	House of Pain	Jump Around	White People will never be completely comfortable with Black Music so anytime they’re given the opportunity to like a song by one of their own race they go fucking overboard (see this record and all five thousand Eminem songs). If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it. If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.
3.	Vanilla Ice	Ice Ice Baby	This one song on the list that White People pretend to only like ironically. Don’t be fooled: deep down White People still think Ice is 110% gangsta. I remember back in the day "battling" another sixth grader at the ice skating rink in who could rap the first verse of this song the fastest. The kid was Asian, so I won.
4.	Tag Team	Whoomp (There It Is)	Man, what was the fucking story about this song and the other one that came out at exactly the same time by, I believe, 95 South called "Whoot There It Is?" Somebody fucked somebody else over big time there. The weird thing about this song - ubiquitous and beloved by Wisconsin grandmothers that it is - is that its lyrics contain the words "motherfucking," "nigga," "shit," and references to smoking dank. Crazy! I remember watching The Box video network (where I learned everything I know about Black People) and seeing Tag Team’s follow-ups to this one: "Whoomp (Si Lo Es)" and "Addam’s Family Whoomp." I’m not kidding.
5.	Naughty By Nature	Hip Hop Hooray	Before he was shooting porn and marrying/divorcing Pepa (a near miss on this list herself), Treach was teaching White People the world over how to wave their arms from side to side above their heads while singing nursery rhymes. Hip Hop Hooray is not only a great way to melodically celebrate life, it’s something to buy airbrushed on a T-shirt when you’re at the beach for a week on your summer vacation to show that you’re down.
6.	Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock	It Takes Two	Knowing the words up to "I get stupid, I mean outrageous" is standard and unremarkable. Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.
7.	Young MC	Bust A Move	I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl. Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.
8.	Biz Markie	Just A Friend	Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know. Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.
9.	Digital Underground	The Humpty Dance	Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom." Fucking White People.
10.	Positive K	I Got A Man	White People’s most beloved rap duet. White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.